Marie.

You looked like a princess the night we met
With your hair piled up high
I will never forget
I’m drunk right now baby
But I’ve got to be
Or I never could tell you
What you mean to me

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you Marie

You’re the song that the trees sing when the wind blows
You’re a flower, you’re a river, you’re a rainbow
Sometimes I’m crazy
But I guess you know
And I’m weak and I’m lazy
And I’ve hurt you so
And I don’t listen to a word you say
When you’re in trouble I just turn away

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you Marie

Rain.

Being rained on is such a funny sensation.

I was standing on the corner earlier today without an umbrella and the rain was coming down in big, thick drops. At first it was irritating and uncomfortable but then I found it really humorous. I don’t know what it was, but for some reason I just started laughing. The feeling of those big heavy drops splatting against my face and shoulders was so ridiculous to me. I must have looked so strange just standing there, laughing at nothing.

Anyway, that was really weird.

Transition.

Dear Internet,

I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself. You know what? I’m proud of who I am. I am not a perfect person (I’d try to list all of my faults but I don’t think they’d all fit), but I am a good person. I am determined to surround myself with people who are able to appreciate that. People who are able to appreciate me. People who are able to appreciate me for being me. I have spent so much time trying to make myself better, or more appealing to others as well as to myself. But, really, I haven’t been making myself better at all. I haven’t even been making myself. I’ve tried to change into someone else, this person that I thought would be more successful or more likable or more something. More anything, really. But I cannot be what I’m not. I’ve tried. And in doing so I’ve held myself back from becoming all that I can be.

I am going to make a change, although I’m not exactly sure what I mean by that. I don’t mean that I’m going to change into something else. I guess I mean that I’m going to change by becoming more myself. Does that make any sense at all? And maybe it won’t be very soon. Maybe it will be years and years from now, but it will happen; I’ve got no excuse. I have both the desire and the ability, and so I will. I am going to become the very best version of me that I can possibly be.

Also today is my birthday.

Dear Internet,

I guess I didn’t fully realize it before. I mean, I knew. I’ve known it for some time. And even before it happened, I knew that it would happen. But, man. I never took the time to actually digest it. It’s funny how you can spend so much time preparing yourself for a moment, and it can still take you by surprise. It’s so easy to get comfortable. To sit back and let yourself sink into a situation. To wrap yourself inside of it. But then you feel all the more vulnerable when it’s yanked away from you and you’re left standing in the cold, by yourself. Well, maybe you’re not completely alone, but it’s still cold. Real cold. You’ve got goosebumps and your teeth are chattering. Maybe there are others you can turn to for comfort, and that’s great. But it isn’t the same. You’ve become so accustomed to however things were before, that suddenly things take on a different meaning. Everything does. Or it seems to, at least. And at first it’s a little difficult to decide if it’s good. But maybe, somehow, inherently, you know that it is good. You’re probably aware that it’s better this way, anyway. That now is the time when you can really start. And you know that you had gotten too comfortable before, and that it’s a good thing to have been suddenly thrust so far out of your comfort zone.

But, you know. Something lingers. Something stays with you and tells you that you’ve made a mistake. That’s when you shake yourself and you continue walking forward.

Positive thinking.

Dear Internet,

This whole thing feels kinda heavy. I’m going to lighten things up a little bit. I’m going to begin posting positive things that happen to me every day. Or whenever I get around to writing them down.

Why, just this morning I made it onto the train just in the nick of time. I almost missed it, you see, because the doors were closing. But I ran and ran and ran as fast as my little legs could carry me and I slipped through the doors just before they shut. This was particularly satisfying because I was already running behind schedule this morning and, had I been forced to board the next train, I would have been late for school. You see! Sometimes good things do happen.

Want to hear about another one? I decided to be a typical teenager last week and neglect my studies. That’s right, I totally put off doing my homework until the day before it was due. I had assumed that I had a pretty good grasp of the amount of reading I had to do, but I was admittedly taken aback when I opened up the assignment for the first time. There were quite a bit of words that had to be read. Like, a lot of words. A lot a lot. Too many words, I thought. So I decided that I wouldn’t read all of them, but that I would pretend as though I had. A foolproof plan, right? How could I go wrong? Although despite my master cunning and good planning, I still felt anxious about the whole thing. And then, lo and behold, by the grace of God the web page that was hosting said documents vanished. That’s right, the stuff I had to read was no longer available and as a result the assignment was canceled.

Tune in next week for more exciting escapades in positivity.

Tiny revelation.

Dear Internet,

I’ve had a small revelation.

It feels right, now. I feel right. Something, somewhere has clicked into place, and even if things don’t work out quite how I want them to, I think it will be okay. I think it will be okay.

Face forward, move slow, forge ahead.

Dear Internet,

Happy new year. I hope that you feel you’ve accomplished something this past year. Anything at all, really. It would sure be a shame if you spent the entire year wallowing around in the trenches of your inner-self without accomplishing anything. By the way, have you decided on a new-years-resolution yet? I’ll tell you mine.

Find inner solace.

So-called “grown-up.”

Dear Internet,

I realized with shocking clarity the other day that I will be turning eighteen very shortly. That’s right, in only a few months I will become an official grown-up. How scary! I don’t think that I’m ready, Internet. In many ways I am still very much a child, and I often forget how lucky I am to be as such. It’s sort of funny; when I was a kid I simply could not wait to grow up. It seemed like such a dream, you know? And in many ways it is. True, there are many privileges and freedoms that come with adulthood that, as a kid, I found fascinating. I won’t list them because they are countless, and I’m sure you’ve got a pretty good idea of what I’m getting at. But I also failed to realize that childhood has its own freedom. A kind of fleeting freedom that you just can’t get being an adult. I say “fleeting” because it seems to become less and less apparent as you age. Adulthood brings many pleasures, true, but it also comes equipped with what seems like an endless array of worries and inconveniences. As a child I would worry if my mom packed wheat bread in my lunch (yuck!), if I would be able to find anyone to make friends with during recess, or if I got my homework turned in on time. And that was the extent of it. Beyond that I hadn’t a care in the world. There are so many things that just don’t cross your mind as a child, yet seem to explode onto your face as an adult. Adults have all of these worries (to some extent) and more.

How will I pay my mortgage?
How will I finish this report on time?
How will I pay for this car that I bought?
Is my credit good or bad?
Why am I not as attractive as the men on television?
Does my wife really love me?
Why can’t I handle commitment?
Why am I afraid of my emotions?
What am I really doing?
Where am I really going?
How can I be truly happy?

The list goes on and on.
Very shortly I will don my helmet and goggles, fasten my seat belt and plunge face-first into maturity. Wish me luck.

An attempt at something abstract.

Dear Internet,

I’ve been working on an abstract piece of art for the past week or so. Here is a picture of it (with me right next to it to give you a sense of scale).

I tried to sharpen it up a bit using Photoshop because the original photo was very blurry.

Papercraft rat.

Dear Internet,

I made this silly rat for an art project. He doesn’t stand up by himself, but I think he’s sort of cute.